lately I've been having headaches and have been ALOT more irritable to things from listening to music to the sound of a cough or door closing. The thought of getting out of bed in the morning makes me sad. I'm 15 and I feel like i'm 40. I hate going to school really bad this semester. Last semester I didn't care about schoolwork or anything I just…did it because I had friends in all my classes and we would sometimes ditch or just laugh in class. The school day would come and go in a flash but now I don't have any classes with anyone and the school just seems to drag on forever and ever which isn't good because I can barely get out of bed in the morning and i'm a sophomore and don't want to go to college anymore. College was all i'd used to dream about and finding love (i'm gay) and I wanted to be a writer. I have stories in my head about the MC finding love and having best friends and etc.until I realized I don't have any of that and the characters I created have a better life than me. I'm jealous of characters that I CREATED! How sad and just so so very stupid is that?! And also last semester I would read and finish a book in like four days tops. I would read from sunrise in the classroom till' midnight in my room but now I can barely concentrate and I got a kindle for Christmas that, what do you know, gives me headaches and I HATE reading ebooks anyway. Another thing that really gets me P'O'! I don't even think i'm going to school Monday. I stayed in bed Thursday, Friday and i'm STILL tired and dread going the next day. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't want to be a writer anymore or college I just want to stay in bed FOREVER with my curtains drawn. I hate school anyway, this semester more than I ever have and that's saying something. I don't want 4 more years of school after I JUST finished 4 years of crappy, learning the same thing, gross cafeteria food! I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I used to have such a bright outlook on the future but now my own SUPPOSED loving family all huddle together and talk about how happy a kid I USED to be! And that i'm just mean, and grouchy and hateful now…yeah that's what a complex minded teenager wants to hear…I haven't had any REAL food in like weeks. It's fast food or nothing lately. My mother just sits in the living room sleep or complaining and blaiming me for everything. Fathers out of the picture since I was an embryo. I ran away once and she didn't even notice. I was gone for two hours! When i'm not at home alone (which is almost always) i'm at school I want to be homescooled in the fall or online school (my mother works from 5am to 2:30pm and doesn't get home till' after 3 so pretty much the same time i'm at school) I wanted to be homeschooled 6 months ago when the school year started but she said it was to late (which I think she lied) and asked again a month ago and she again told me to stop bothering her about it… I can't talk to her about being depressed or lonely she'll just call me crazy and try to get me locked up in an insane asylum (which is exactly what she wants) because she already thinks i'm crazy. I have no one no REAL friends, boyfriend, or family who cares and I have a pretty big family they've just decided to vote me off the island and i'm at my limit and I don't know what to do and I feel like my heads about to EXPLODE! I didn't always used to be so…challenged. I also can't sleep at night.
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