Well.this is pretty complicated. I'll explain it from the start. Presently I'm 16 btw.
Anyway as a kid I haven't really known whether I was straight or what my orientation was, although I doubt that I was steadfastly hetero. Due to environment and stereotypes I did have crushes on boys, but after I went to a same sex school, I guess I got more open minded and decided I was pansexual or at least bi since I started having crushes on girls (however the girls I liked were not dykes or butches or super femme, they were just normal girls, no extremities) however, I'd still have romantic/sexual attractions towards guys at this point in time.
Later on, something happened which I think left me pretty scarred.Hm, I wouldn't say it was to the extent of being sexually abused but I was kinda manipulated and mindfucked in a certain way. I am not sure if it's due to this but that happened two years ago and now I have an aversion towards guys who try to flirt or make subtle innuendo towards me. Friends are fine, though. I'm not sure why I have this specific claustrophobia of men. I know someone who was raped but she's still straight, and that definitely has more impact than what I experienced.
Apart from that I think it's weird that I get off on yaoi and not so much on yuri although I consider myself more lesbian than any other orientation. Isn't it supposed to be the other way round? Although in real life I cringe at the thought of embracing a guy and instead feel comfort if it's a girl.It's as if in terms of sex and romantic relationships (not in general, like I said friends and platonic relationships don't engender this) I see guys as foreign, like they are illicit and wrong and not the same. Like I watch them in yaoi screwing each other crazy as entertainment, like animals in a cage. But at the same time although they may be physically attractive I wouldn't want to sexually be involved in them, because it'd be equivalent to say, asking a normal girl if she'd have sex with an animal.
Also, I'm pretty feminist and I just can't stand the thought of being with a guy.It irks and nauseates me. I wish I could learn to stop being like this.My family probably won't accept it too. I feel like I am sick or something. All the girls I ever loved or liked, the emotions they kindled from me heavily overpowers what crushes I had on any boys did.Am I this way because of what happened to me two years ago?
I am not sure as also, I don't like it how girls are sometimes viewed as inferior, although it is the case in society. I say 'I don't need a man to teach me how to be a lady', like I don't need a guy to rely on like some girls do.It makes me feel uncomfortable.
I wish if I was sick in the head or I have issues this can be solved. I know not all guys are bad, most of them are human too but I can't get the notion… I wish I could stop thinking and feeling like this.
>>> I am lesbian because I'm afraid of men?