My hands were clammy and covered in blood; they kept slipping on the slick metal as I tried to pull myself to standing. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought I would get in this deep.It had consumed me; the monster I had been trying to keep caged had finally broken its padlock and come to the surface. I felt my eyes roll backwards and I once again dropped to the floor, only to claw myself back up to my feet. These seizures were short, clearly caused by the blow to the back of the head I had received earlier.My ankle was undoubtedly broken; the dull pains every time I put weight on it were clear evidence that something wasn't right down there.My elbow throbbed when I straightened my arm which appeared to be just another injury to add to the rest.
The claustrophobic obscurity congealed around my eyes, grabbing at me and trying to push me further and further into its arms. The darkness already had its hold on me, it had done the second I met him. The thought of him made my insides ache and burn like a fire was kindling in my abdomen. I had to stop a sob racking through my chest; silence was the key to survival. I had to stay silent in case there was someone, or something else out there and I couldn't afford to be detected by it. The whole country would know about me by now and the only way I would stay safe would be to lay low and do it quietly. Silence was impossible, a low whimper escaped my lips every time the broken ankle bore my weight, the adrenaline had long since wore off only to be replaced by the pain and anguish I felt when I allowed myself to think about what I had done.
My knuckles bumped into the sharp, gravelly brick wall and I felt my way along it, glad to finally have some form of marker for where I was going. For all I knew, I could have just been continuously walking in a circle. I heard that somewhere; that if you had no way to detect where you were or what way you were moving, you'd just walk in a circle. I knew I hadn't done that because if I had, I'd have walked into the faces of a friendly bunch of murdering criminals. Criminals that I had tried so hard to kill, to destroy, to ruin. I traced the wall for what felt like eons, the texture never changing so I couldn't tell if I had made any progress.It was still a frozen darkness, never moving or manipulating itself in any way.
My breathing was just starting to regulate when I heard it. The light-tread of someone who didn't want to be heard.My heart rate accelerated until it was fluttering like a hummingbird in my chest.My legs stuttered, refusing to move as if they couldn't believe what they were hearing. I had two choices, and a decision needed to be made quickly. Run like hell but make a lot of noise, or stay perfectly still and try to remain undetected. The latter seemed a more plausible action. I couldn't run with the state of my ankle, I'd just be ringing the dinner bell and screaming "Come and get me!"
I could have been mistaken for a mime if I were in any other situation, muscles coiled and ready to burst into action if my plan didn't work. Not a hair on my body moved, my breaths deep and infrequent, the slow rise and fall of my chest the only hint that I wasn't some kind of statue. The darkness was now my friend, but friends always betray you.
I heard the thud before I had even registered what had happened. The ground rushed up to meet me like a lover, embracing me like an old friend. I welcomed its entangling arms, and a sense of relief engulfed my pores as unconsciousness flooded into my system.
"Thankyou," the beast sighed; finally allowed to rest.
CRITICISM WANTED!
Be as mean as you can, tell me if i'm wasting my time with this book.
I don't want to tell you anything about the story. Just talk about my writing and how it made you feel.
Added (1). Robert - Thanks for the crit, it's a problem i'm working on as I always get told about it when people read my work haha. I find it so hard to start sentences a little bit more excitingly but it's really helpful that you have picked up on it :)
Added (2). Tamara- I'll definitely keep that in mind, but honestly I didn't think they were that long myself. I'll have a go at splitting them up and seeing if it reads better :)
Added (3). Charles- I know exactly why i'm writing this prologue: p My novel starts far away from this, and I want this prologue to stay in the readers mind. Make them think, who is this person? Is this the main character that Is being introduced in the first chapter? Why, How, When did this happen? Is it in the past/ future.
I want them to WANT to find out what the prologue was all about :)
Added (4). Luckie- Thank you so much for that, it was so helpful. I think i'll treat you to a little summary so you get an idea of what's happening.
It's basically the story of a Detective Sergeant called Laurel West. She's trying to solve a murder case when one day the murderer appears tied up on the doorstep of the station with a strange note tucked into his pocket with some kind of insignia on it.
She gets dragged into the world of vigilante's, becoming one herself to spy on the others, gaining their trust and helping them. But she gets in too deep and forgets where her loyalties lay, resulting in her having to decide whether she wants to live in the darkness she had created for herself or go back to the light.
Added (5). Cloud- Thanks! That was great, and i know i do fluff a lot. I used to get told that I was too blunt in my writing, so clearly i'm trying to compensate for that by being nice and descriptive. Unfortunately i seem to be over-doing it a bit, but i'll definitely edit and edit and edit some more with your tips :)
Added (6). Jl- I'm pretty sure if you came round after a blow to the head, it'd hurt like hell.So yeah, you'd know you'd been hit: p Also, it was intentional that I didn't tell you their name. Its meant to click very late in the book that the scene read here slots in quite nicely to what is happening to my protagonist in the climax :)
Added (7). Hobo- That has been an immense help, thank you so much. I really am an amateur and any help I get is brilliant, I'll take into account everything you said as you have been so detailed and thorough with helping me. I can't thank you enough :)
Added (8). L- thanks, but i don't get your point as I in no way over described the surroundings. I completely left it up to the reader as the only solid prop is the wall. I didn't describe the person or even gave them a gender because i want assumptions to be made that are probably wrong.
См. статью: Give me criticism about my prologue?